The time had come and seniors were making their announcements on where they were continuing their education. For me, I hadn’t even started looking at schools. I was so far behind and having parents who didn’t attend college made me feel like I was doing the college process all alone. I was overwhelmed with everything. The applications, the essay, the school visits, all of it. I kept asking myself “How am I suppose to find a school I like and would want to spend the next four years at?”. Thankfully, I had an amazing teacher, Mrs. Cloutier, that took me under her wing and walked me through the steps. Without her I don’t think I would have even attended college.

While I got accepted into Plymouth State back in 2015, I decided against it. I wanted to be close to my parents and ultimately decided that Nashua Community College is where I would start out. A little over a year there I started looking at different schools. I wanted to remain close to home but I wanted to live on a campus and actually get the whole college experience. I had decided to apply to NHTI, not because I liked the school but because they had a soccer team and I desperately needed to get back into the sport. I was accepted into NHTI and had contact with the NHTI girls soccer coach. I was ready to play soccer at the college level and I had never been this excited about a new team!

While making the decision to return back to soccer wasn’t easy, I’m very thankful that I did. Being my last season as a Nashua High School South soccer player was very rewarding. Coach Tom proved to many of the players that he was there to improve the program. I was becoming the player I once was, my health was becoming more “normal”, and the team was working harder than ever.

Like previously mentioned in my last post, I was going to work my way from just practicing to playing in games. I stuck to that routine religiously, it was almost my safety net. Until the girl who was filling my position got hurt, Coach Tom glanced at me then back at the field and then back at me. I had been practicing for almost a month and while I thought about returning to the game the nerves of getting hurt were still there. They would remain there until I stepped on that field to play a game and I knew that, but something inside me kept saying I wasn’t ready. But it was my time to shine. I looked at Coach Tom, then at my mom on the sidelines and proceeded to take off the pinny and jog onto the field.

My teammates and their parents all had looks of surprise written across their face and to be honest, I did too. A year ago I had never thought that I would step onto another soccer field let alone play another game. But here I was, facing the odds that I had set before myself. I remember thinking to myself and planning out each and every move I was going to do throughout the whole game. “Okay, you got the ball, dripple two or three steps, once you feel pressure look for the open teammate, then pass it. Play doesn’t stop there, how do you support the teammate with the ball? Where’s the open spot?” constant play by play thoughts ran through my head.

Before I knew it the game was done. I had officially returned back to the sport I loved and boy did it feel good. I would be left with a season of joy and achievements. Although we didn’t make it past the first round of play offs, this season was a huge victory for me. I overcame the odds of a concussion, doubt, and self pity. That season I was awarded most improved player and boy did I feel new and improved.

After sustaining a life alter concussion I was faced with the decision on if I wanted to return back to playing soccer. I was going to have a lot of conditioning and development of skills ahead of me. Although I was up for the task, I was still petrified that I was going to get hurt again or that I wasn’t actually okay to play in the first place. I had already made the decision to not return back to my club team but I wasn’t ready to quit soccer all together. I loved the sport and played for 11 years, so I never really knew what life was like without soccer and I wasn’t ready too.

That summer I focused on working and did not attend any preseason camps, still very leery on what to do. When tryouts came around, I wasn’t signed up, I didn’t have new soccer equipment, so I thought the decision was made. I was no longer going to play the sport I loved.  I hadn’t told my coach or teammates about not returning because I knew they would try to convince me otherwise which would make my decision harder. After day one of tryouts, I received many texts and phone calls of concerned teammates and my coach. They all knew my dedication to the sport, but not many of them understood the fear I was feeling.

I agreed to meet with Coach Tom the following day during tryouts. I expressed my concerns with playing and the fear of not actually being ready to play. Coach Tom suggested I take my spot on the varsity team and work my way to playing in games. This would allow me to gain my confidence back, see how my body would adapt to playing soccer again, and the scary factor, seeing how my head would handle it. I told Coach Tom I would consider the offer and talk with my parents about it. My parents expressed their concerns and wanted me to see a doctor to clear me again before I committed to playing again. Thats exactly what I did.

The doctor cleared me and suggested I wear a concussion helmet that would help with heading the ball and if by chance I took the ball to the head it would help with the impact. While it was suppose to help me, I was more concerned about how I would look. But I sucked it up and wore it for the remaining of my high school soccer career. While I made the decision to not return to club soccer, I made the decision to stay playing soccer but not at the level I used to play at.

Soccer Headgear Minimizes Concussions

Junior year we were faced with another new coach. It was time to learn another new playing style, new rules, new trainings, new everything. At this point we were all tired of starting over with new coaches every season and just hoped that this coach, Coach Tom, would stick around till us seniors graduated. Preseason trainings were brutal, yes, we are soccer players and need to be able to run, but these trainings left us feeling more like a track or cross country teams than a soccer team. But once the season started, we were probably one of the fastest teams in the league making all the sprints, mile long runs, complexes, and figure eights worth it.

Our fourth game in, on our home turf, against Dover, I took a soccer ball to my right temple, knocking me out. Laying on the field absolutely motionless, only being able to see black, I was scared for my life. Hearing my teammates tell me to keep my eyes open and that the trainers and Coach Tom were almost to me felt like an eternity. After being carried off the field and sat on the bench I came to the realization of what had just happened. My trainer conducted the concussion protocol to determine if I was concussed, with amazement I was cleared to go back to the game. With a raging headache and still having a hard time keeping my eyes open due to the strong sunlight, Coach Tom made the decision to sit me the rest of the game. To this day I am still very thankful for that decision.

Training the next day consisted of warming up and a lot of stretching to prepare us for our game the following day. The headache from the hit to my head was subsiding and the activities were not enough to feel like my heart was actually in my head. I thought I got lucky. That the hit would be in the past and I wouldn’t have to worry about it affecting my life in school or years to come. But I was wrong.

The next day, I started the game and the running up and down the field not even touching the soccer ball caused so much pressure in my head that I took a knee to come off the field. The trainer for the other team came over and I was faced with another concussion protocol test and this time I failed. The next step was to start the recovery. I spent everyday for the rest of the season religiously bothering the trainer with hopes he would clear me so I could go back on the field and play the sport I loved. Except it wasn’t that easy. I wasn’t allow to do any activities until I was headache free for 42 hours, once I didn’t have a headache I could ride the stationary bike but if my head started to bother me while riding the bike I had to stop and go back to square one. Once I cleared riding the bike without my head bothering me then I had to take the concussion test on a computer for it to be compared to my baseline which ultimately determined if I was cleared to return to playing.

The season had finished and I still was not able to pass the test meaning I could not return back to the field. I was referred to a Neuro specialist for a continuation of the concussion test. I was able to pass a physical administration of the concussion test which meant I could return back to the field. With the season over I decided to take the winter sessions off to give myself more time to recover more. Once spring season came along I was faced with the question, do I return to the sport I love or do I retire?